FAQ

I'm good at not giving a crap but somehow office politics still keeps finding me.

This has been sitting with me for a while and i finally need to vent.

I'm not the person who spends half the day wandering around with a coffee pretending to "build relationships." I'm not the one laughing at every joke the boss tells like it's a Netflix special. And i'm definitely not the person scheduling meetings that could have been an email just so people remember i exist.

I just show up, do my work, solve my problems, and then quietly disappear back into the cave i crawled out of.

Apparently that's not how promotions work.

The guy who got promoted last quarter somehow manages to accomplish three hours of actual work during an eight-hour day, yet everyone knows his name. He's in every meeting, every conversation, every birthday lunch, and somehow always standing next to leadership whenever a camera comes out. Honestly, i don't even dislike the guy. He's decent. I just finally realized i've been playing checkers while everyone else has been playing "Who Can Compliment the Vice President's Golf Swing."

My manager tells me i'm one of the most reliable people on the team. I've never missed a deadline. Clients are happy. Coworkers ask me for help. Yet every time an opportunity comes up, it somehow floats right past my desk and lands in the lap of someone whose greatest professional skill is remembering everyone's dog's name.

The worst part is i don't even know how to fix it.

Do i suddenly start hanging around the break room discussing fantasy football with people i've never spoken to? Do i begin every sentence with "Just circling back..."? Am i supposed to schedule fifteen-minute "touch base" meetings to discuss things we already solved yesterday?

It feels like the secret to getting ahead isn't doing great work. It's convincing everyone you're doing great work while strategically existing within a fifty-foot radius of the people making decisions.

And maybe that's just how the game works.

I don't give a crap about playing politics.

I just wish politics would stop giving a crap about playing me.

Dear Office Survivor,

First off, congratulations.

Not on the promotion. Obviously.

Congratulations on discovering that the corporate world is basically high school with better coffee and mandatory cybersecurity training.

Here's the thing. You have made the classic mistake of believing your job description. Companies tell you they'll reward hard work. What they mean is they'll reward hard work...that someone important actually notices.

It's dumb.

We didn't invent the rules. We'd actually like to fight the rules behind a Waffle House at 2 a.m., but that's a different conversation.

Now, don't confuse visibility with becoming a professional brown-noser. Those are two very different sports.

You don't need to laugh at jokes that aren't funny.
You don't need to memorize your VP's children's birthdays.
You definitely don't need to start saying things like, "Let's circle back and leverage our synergies."

That's how your soul files for unemployment.

Instead, make it easy for people to know what you've accomplished. Speak up during meetings once or twice. Send short updates when you finish something important. Volunteer for the occasional project that gets your face in front of leadership. That's not office politics—that's turning the lights on so people can actually see you.

Think of it this way...

If a bear builds the world's greatest spreadsheet in the woods and nobody important is copied on the email...

...did the spreadsheet even happen?

Probably not.

One more thing.

Don't become someone you hate just to earn a slightly nicer cubicle. Promotions are great, but being able to sleep at night without wondering why you suddenly own three different "Team Player" polo shirts is pretty valuable too.

Play enough of the game to keep your career moving.

Don't let the game convince you to become one of its NPCs.

And if all else fails, remember our unofficial corporate motto:

"If they overlook you long enough, eventually they'll have to explain why nothing works after you leave."

Now go make your work visible.

Just don't start using the phrase "per my last email."

Some lines should never be crossed.

—The Highly Questionable Career Counseling Department
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